English Personal Statement Example 18

This is staggeringly bad.
I have some constructive criticism though...

'augmenting my raw emotion with discipline.'

'dramatic finesse of Greek'

'enlightened scholar, whose mind is free from the chains of ignorance'

...you really, really need to drop this pretentious tripe. It defines repugnancy. Just communicate your skills and why you love literature clearly and snappily.

Also some parts of your P.S. are utterly impotent, saying nothing new or interesting. Infact they're stating the blindingly obvious which makes you sound brainless:

'English finds itself in many interesting stories, such as Lord of the Rings, plays such as Othello, and speeches such as those given by the inspirational Winston Churchill.'

I must also mention this part of your P.S. which makes you sound like a fanatically puritanical bore:

'become a hedonistic individual and become part of the greed and hatred that is plaguing our world today.'

You write eloquently with good vocabulary but take my advice- drop the self-important verbosity, make clear your skills and passions in a down to earth manner if you want a British academic to take you seriously.

Start from scratch.

Less big words. Please.

Less ego.

It's not as dreadful as a couple of the abovepeople have said - but really, they are right in that you need to drop the pretentious nature of the majority of your statement. That bit about the violin .. it's ...well it's shite isn't it? Pure unadulterated shite.
Although the paragraph about why you wish to study in england I found rather good, stick with that. The rest needs some work. Drop some of the big words (I was determined to include conscientousnous in mine and it helped me not a bit.)
Good luck buddy.

you sound like a Miss World contestant

"My ultimate wish is to work with the United Nations, hoping to close the unnecessary divide that has caused humankind to fight, cheat, and destroy itself. "

You guys are right; after reading this several times, I had ironically done what I tried so hard not to do; present myself as someone I'm not.

Yeah, it has an extremely arrogant tone, but as for the big words, I usually use them in my writing. Meh, but I think they should be used to describe things other than my "greatness"

Thanks for the comments, and I will get working on the statement!

definatley American.

I would recommend starting again with much of it. It does sound arrogant, yet I also feel that a certain level of verbosity is definitely acceptable amongst us English nerds and that sesquipedalian PSs won't be looked down upon.

The above comment seems offensive.
You were nice about our culture. Then they go and say that. How rude.

I think you really do sound passionate about the subject, just scale it back a little, don't strip out the words completely and best of luck :-)

Definitely.

Hope you aren't applying for English, mate.

United Kingdom also offers me an opportunity to meet people I have only heard about, and even people I never thought existed.
what the hell are you talking about?? people u never knew existed? what a bloody profound statement.

One of my biggest assets is my big mouth.

Oh come on. Surely you're not being serious? It is WAY too frank an opening for a personal statement, and the remainder of that opening paragraph requires immediate revision. There is honestly too much jib jab in the first sector, you need to nail it down to point. Therefore I do agree with the majority of the comments above, although I can to some extent understand the passion you have for Literature. Just scrap a few parts here and there. And try reading it aloud...you might just come to your senses about how..well..arrogant it sounds!

And I couldn't agree more with one of the guests. I didn't have to read a line more than the first to realise this one was American. Haha.

"one of my biggest assets is my big mouth?"..this isnt an audition for porn video love. its a personal statement..seriously, its eye-catching..but for ALL the wrong resons..

Incredibly you turn all you strengths into weaknesses. When i was reading the part about your participation in US figure skating i was revulsed by your shameless arrogance instead of being impressed. Your conceited language turns a fantastic achievment into another opportunity for me to sit at my computer and pull my hair out. You're supposed to sell yourself in this statement, not whore yourself.

Hmmm, apart from the first paragraph, and a number of odd interjections and slightly unimpressive and unoriginal comments, I think this is a very good personal statement. Especially the bit about the UK :P

all the commentors go on and on about your verbosity and arrogance. whilst these are definitely apparent in your statement and need to be removed, they aren't the real failure here.
your grammar is atrocious. punctuation - it's not all about commas. and sentence structure isn't all about clauses. please do shorten them. it's not necessary to get all your information across in one sentence.
learn that when speaking about a plural, we say 'are', not 'is'. "These is good personal statements" - bad. "These are good personal statements" - good. (Unfortunately, yours cannot yet be counted among that number. Don't worry, it is far from being the only one up here failing).
Better order is needed. For example,
the violin stuff can all be moved to a different paragraph and entirely rephrased, using fewer and more appropriate adjectives. Begin with your love of Literature and achievements similar. Keep all your 'other interests' together, then wax lyrical on the UK afterwards.
Don't say 'find' twice in the same sentence. Don't say 'also' twice in the same sentence. Don't say 'use' twice in the same sentence. Repetition can be effective, if applied properly.
I would advise starting again from scratch, but you are obviously fairly intelligent and I'm sure you will manage it if you heed the advice we have all offered.

not all admissions tutors are pro-UN - many won't be. Try not to take a political stance, and if you will, then back it up with some knowledge about the subject, and draw on evidence of current affairs. Do so in a balanced and intelligent manner.

those who have lived in the past?
billy pilgrim and his band of time travellers?
"writers of the past" or anything similar makes sense.
cliches will get you nowhere. use adjectives that are not so continuously applied to what you are describing. weaving a story? no.
you joke that you try to write verse that is terse. perhaps you would be better employed trying to coerce your statement to be terse. it is far from it, unfortunately.

Personal Statements are not for perpetuating stereotypes :P

this should be in the 'how not to write your personal statement' section.

fair enough, you need to improve your statment a little, dont let it put you off coming to england though. we're not all arseholes who like to have a poke at people who make mistakes. (so your personal statement isn't all that great, there's no need to be quite so harsh about it.)just tell the university why you're committed to the course, why you want to study it for the next 3/4 years of your life. aspects you like. and there's nothing wrong with being adventurous with your volcabulary - it makes you look smart. it's good to express yourself with interesting words, especially if your hoping to studying english literature. good luck with your personal statement

ooo, and nice last paragraph. =]

oh dear god

I don't believe some of the comments below are appropriate, while the statement does have some flaws, there is no need whatsoever, to be so tactless in your criticism of work.

far too pretentious.
your language and vocabulary is eloquent and colourful, and i would imagine that you could write impressive poetry. however, this is a personal statement and you need to be more concise with your points - room you have spent flowering your statement with impressive vocabulary could be spent advancing on things such as your ice-skating, which you have barely touched upon.
needs work

also, though others who have commented here seem to mostly be in favour of that passage, the part about the violin at the beginning is horrendous. delete it.
it would be out of place in a Douglas Adams novel, and it is most certainly out of place in a personal statement.
anybody reading the first paragraph is going to think you're a twat, so change it

also, though others who have commented here seem to mostly be in favour of that passage, the part about the violin at the beginning is horrendous. delete it.
it would be out of place in a Douglas Adams novel, and it is most certainly out of place in a personal statement.
anybody reading the first paragraph is going to think you're a twat, so change it

I agree this is atrocious. It's really very hard to write a good PS, because the majority of people get caught between two extremes: waffly, non-specific and ineffective on the one hand, or over-doing it and sounding like an arrogant, self-righteous twat on the other. Yours is firmly in the latter category. Whilst your achievements are commendable and you do clearly enjoy English, anybody reading this is going to instantly want to take you down a peg - and the easiest way for them to do that is by NOT giving you a place.

Scrap the try-hard vocabulary - lots of English students (myself included) write with long words. But when you're writing about yourself, they are not necessary. They just make you sound a) desperate and b)an arse.

Think about this, these guys are gonna have to have you sitting in their classrooms for the next three years. Do they want a brash, arrogant, over-compensating, loud American? NO! And that's what I get from your PS.

You need to put across who you actually are - spend 2/3 talking about why you like English. What genres? What narrative styles? What themes? This is the kind of thing that makes you come across as a mature and enthusiastic student. Then a section on your other accomplishments - 'I am an accomplished violinist and have played with xxxxx orchestra; I've participated in ice skating for xxx years; these are both hobbies I'd like to keep up in the UK blah blah blah'. The ending should be your reasons for studying abroad.

And please don't say or even hint at the possibility that you might be saying 'I want to study in England because Shakespeare lived there'. OBVIOUS AND BORING. Say perhaps...that you'd love to see the exact places these authors lived and worked, that you'd love to immerse yourself in the country where English has its origins. Not 'I like English writers'.

Basically, calm down, be more academic, more specific, and less of a run-of-the-mill falsely-pompous over-exaggerated try-hard.

Say what you really, really think. Not what you think will impress them.

I'm sure to an American this personal statement is not as arrogant as everyone claims. But the best policy when applying in England is modesty, show your appreciation and enthusiasm for studying English more than saying how amazing you are at it.

This comes across as too hilarious to be taken seriously. Far too much hyperbolae thrown in all over the place to appear an eloquent person. Obviously not sincere. Be humble, it's a virtue.

Generally, it was physically revolting how pompous you were, you're applying to people hundreds of times better than you are and they don't need arrogant noobs to try and act big to them!

I would agree that actually it's 'too American'. I'm applying to both countries and writing your common app essays was just as different for me! You've got to remember that the people reading this aren't the general admissions people like in the US, they have in depth knowledge for their field (English) and want to see that you have it too. You need less extracurricular stuff, less dramatics, and more serious academic interest and how you pursue your interest outside of the classroom. AND NEVER EVER NAME UNIVERSITIES??!! That's so rude for the other unis you're applying to. And less of the future hopes - and why you wan to go to the country; try and include your interest in the actual course and why you would add academically to the classes, not just through personality.

Read George Orwell's essay 'Politics and the English Language.'